Jeremy’s analysis of the biggest busts this year, and he doesn’t mean Pamela Anderson.
Question – what is slower than a Jamie Moyer fastball?
Answer – my blog updates.

So sorry, but needless to say that cleaning diapers and earning a living take much time away from ranting and raving about fake baseball. It takes lots of time to make snarky remarks that have small twinges of wit. I know…very small. Regardless, I’ll take some time away from watching my DVR episodes of Pants Off, Dance Off to touch on a new topic today.

Busts.

No, not Scarlett Johansson or Pam Anderson – although, I would much rather talk about that if you would like. I also not was referring to Evan Almighty or Poseidon. By no way am I talking about the disastrous run of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. No, I am talking about the players that have caused you to sell off your older stars for draft picks in keeper leagues and caused you to start your football scouting early in year-to-year leagues.

Who have been the biggest Jessica Simpsons of the fantasy baseball season so far? (Yes, I have a bunch more celebrity breast jokes to throw out there. I’m sorry, but a column about busts? Seriously, I’m only human after all)

Pitching
1 – Chris Carpenter – You know, I wasn’t really going to include the truly injured and feeble, but there are a few that belong there. Someone like Carpenter is one of them. Most likely, Carpenter owners paid big bucks in their auction or perhaps spent a first or second round pick to land the 2005 Cy Young award winner and to some, the best NL pitcher of 2006 as well. What did you get? One truly awful start and a bunch of replacement starts from Kei Igawa. (Igawa would be on this list if anyone other than The Boss’ immediate family expected any better of him this year)

2 – Barry Zito – Unlike Carpenter who is more fragile than Lindsay Lohan’s sanity, Zito has no real history of injury. Also unlike Carpenter, Zito has given you a full season of crap. At least Carpenter owners had a fighting chance at perhaps picking up a Fausto Carmona or Jeremy Guthrie, Zito owners have had a whole lot of Barry. Must be something about the name in SF. What makes Zito’s line even worse – 7-10, 5.00 ERA, 1.43 WHIP – is that he is an AL pitcher coming over to the NL. Wasn’t the Bronson Arroyo rule supposed to kick in? Didn’t he get the memo from Kyle Lohse?

3 – Dontrelle Willis – Have you ever had something important on your mind - perhaps about an impending move for you and your family – and it wound up weighing on your mind and caused your usual stellar work in your place of employment to turn to various levels of crapola? If so, Dontrelle Willis may be starting a support group. His stats eerily match those of Zito, except in two more starts, Dontrelle has actually been worse. How excited were you in the preseason when you walked out of your draft room with Carpenter, Zito and Willis in your rotation?

Other pitchers worth mentioning:
Ervin Santana and Cliff Lee – so bad that they wound up on the Crash Davis express.
Jose Contreras – the answer to the question of what does Rick Langford mean in Spanish
Bronson Arroyo – He may have been named after Charles Bronson, but having him on your team is a Death Wish. Thank you…that joke courtesy of the Bruce Vilanch collection.
Jeff Suppan – Did anyone outside of Milwaukee think this was a good signing?
Kei Igawa – So bad, he had to be named twice.

Hitters
1 – Andruw Jones – There are an awful lot of high profile hitters that have not performed well, many of them due to injuries – Johnny Damon, Jason Giambi, Brian Giles, Rocco Baldelli, Mike Piazza, Mark Teixeira and others – but Andruw has been up all season long and has only now begun to show signs of life. What do Jones owners have to show for it? A .215 batting average and a strikeout per game! The worst part for Andruw – this is his walk year and about a few million dollars have come off of the contract at this point. Main beneficiary – George Steinbrenner. The Boss is likely to save a few million on the inevitable Jones signing so that he can actually afford some useful middle relief next year.

2 – Jermaine Dye – Like Jones, Dye is still hitting for HR power but all of his hits tend to be HR. Dye has an average of .227 which makes him more valuable than Jones so far, but that’s like saying that people have a higher opinion of your job performance than they do of Dick Cheney. It was a year ago that Dye was being talked about for MVP and now the Sox are looking to send him out on the first train from Chicago. Maybe he can run into Tim Welke along the way.

3 – The third spot is a tough one, there are so many possible options here – Richie Sexson has been awful, but did anyone expect much from him. Bobby Abreu has not been great but he has also not been as awful as people think. Julio Lugo can’t get on base, but when he does he gives you steals. Sweet, precious steals. Mmmm…..steals. Um, sorry – Simpsons Movie is out. It was a perfectly cromulent reaction. Anyway, so I will go with…

Alex Gordon – at .245 with only 7 dingers, Gordon has been a huge disappointment. What puts him in this slot for me is the inevitable overvaluing of the blue chip prospect that happens every year. There are so many leagues out there that can give the example of Gordon being drafted over better, more established hitters because of the immense talent that he has. However, most rookies will disappoint – very much like presidential candidates. There are few 1975 Fred Lynns out there to look at. Gordon is going to be a star in my opinion, but let this be a lesson learned by those who have yet to learn it…unless this is a deep keeper league, don’t waste your time with the rookies!!!

Other Halle Berry’s on offense:
Jason Bay – just what the Pirates needed their star to have an off year
Felipe Lopez – separated from birth from Lugo? You decide.
Ryan Shealy – This one hurts – I fell into the trap that I just ranted about with Gordon with Shealy. The worst part? Shealy isn’t even in his class – it’s like comparing Nicole Ritchie to Eva Mendes. It’s just wrong.

Last thing about the busts listed above – if you are in a keeper league and can get your hands on the likes of Gordon, Jones, or Willis. DO IT! Many of these guys are actually quite good – that’s why they are busts. Everyone expected Cesar Izturis to suck. Most of these guys will bounce back next year and be in a clever blog entry about recovery. Heck, I can even refer to Lohan in that one too…

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